Who am I supposed to be?  What is my Purpose?  When will I find my place?  Where will it be?  Why am I here?  The five big ‘W’s.

Let’s start with ‘Who’

I am awake.  I am looking at the pile of supplies that I purchased to make my own lotions and scrubs to sell.  They are fairly close to my quilting supplies which are not to be made to feel insignificant by my quantity of knitting supplies.  All of these things are gathering dust.  My life is gathering dust.  So I buy more wool (it’s beautiful) and I spend hours searching for just the right project that will do justice to the wool.  While looking for patterns, I realize that I should order supplies for an upcoming show and get ‘cooking’.  While ordering supplies I see some ideas for new recipes and products and I also see other websites that offer some of the same products.  Let the obsessive cost/benefit analysis begin!  This loosely translates to wheel spinning and my weekend is over and my accomplishments are minimal.

Any energy that I can muster is spent working at a job that ultimately does not make anyone’s life better.  I deal with compliance.  I don’t add value; I report on the value that others have added.  I feel that I have value to add, in some way but will I ever figure out what that way is or will I be so busy reporting and complying that I never have a chance to figure out how I can add value.  Then, if I do think that I have it figured out, how do I know it is the correct thing?  Maybe tomorrow will be different and I will happily buzz around complying.

So, I get up, I breathe, I eat, I work, I eat, I go to bed.  And I don’t add value to anyone, anything, anytime, anywhere for any purpose. I am numb. No big W’s figured out this week.

‘What’ am I doing?!?

I am operational but what do I do to enrich the existence of others…part of ‘Why, maybe?  Well, I thought maybe providing food, shelter and clothing for over 20 years was worth something.  I thought that answering all questions to the best of my knowledge and providing protection from the darker side of this life was work something.  I thought that sharing my life with them was worth something…and now I see that what I have to offer is not what they consider to be loving.  It was considered my duty and responsibility and the resulting numbness isn’t really contributing to anyone else’s ‘joie de vivre’.

Offspring:  “You don’t know me!”  Why do I now feel like such a failure, as a mother?  He will soon be 27 and I expect I know him better than anyone else. (Crap!  Another ‘Why’)

Offspring:  “You never support me!”  I disagree…oh, wait…now I get it.

Can somebody tell me ‘When?’

Is it bed time yet?

Is it fair that I scream at my family because I cant take “one more thing”.  Is it odd that I can’t get anything done, other than work?  Is it hypocritical that others find me inspirational because I am really good at pretending?

When will I know I am doing the right thing?  When will I be able to accept things I cannot change instead of ending up in a battle with my son over religion and medication.  Ok, I have added more ‘Whens’ to the list, so I will stop now.

‘Where’ the heck am I?

Where will I be when the previous W’s are figured out?  I expect I will be exhausted and taking my last breath at the end of a long and healthy life, during which I spent all of my time trying to figure out the W’s before I was supposed to know.  This ‘W’ is an easy one because I can answer it with, “Where I am supposed to be When I am supposed to be there, doing ‘What’ I am supposed to be doing.  Who I am supposed to be will be a moment by moment determination based on the situation I am in at the time.  Sound hypocritical?  Not at all.  I will be a supportive mother when my son’s life spins out of control.  I will be a positive force in other people’s lives; encouraging them to be more than they thought they could.  I will try to live in the moment, remembering the comforting words of Aibileen Clark in The Help,  “You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important.”  Is this the answer to ‘Who?’  I hope so!

The Ever Expanding ‘Why’

I will try to let go of any expectation that I will know the answer to this question during my lifetime.  I am not meant to know.  If I did know, I would likely find an argument as to ‘Why’ it should be different and I would search for ways to change it, to the exclusion of all other activity; resulting in changes to some of the other ‘Ws’ and most likely for the worse.  I am not meant to have that kind of control, thank God!

So let’s paint on that face that everyone loves to see smiling and get through another day of being who and what I think I am supposed to be, when and where I am supposed to be it.  Maybe, if I am lucky, I will get a little closer the the ever elusive and moving target of ‘Why’…but more likely I will eventually die trying.