Source: The Five ‘W’s of Life…
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The Five ‘W’s of Life…
Who am I supposed to be? What is my Purpose? When will I find my place? Where will it be? Why am I here? The five big ‘W’s.
Let’s start with ‘Who’
I am awake. I am looking at the pile of supplies that I purchased to make my own lotions and scrubs to sell. They are fairly close to my quilting supplies which are not to be made to feel insignificant by my quantity of knitting supplies. All of these things are gathering dust. My life is gathering dust. So I buy more wool (it’s beautiful) and I spend hours searching for just the right project that will do justice to the wool. While looking for patterns, I realize that I should order supplies for an upcoming show and get ‘cooking’. While ordering supplies I see some ideas for new recipes and products and I also see other websites that offer some of the same products. Let the obsessive cost/benefit analysis begin! This loosely translates to wheel spinning and my weekend is over and my accomplishments are minimal.
Any energy that I can muster is spent working at a job that ultimately does not make anyone’s life better. I deal with compliance. I don’t add value; I report on the value that others have added. I feel that I have value to add, in some way but will I ever figure out what that way is or will I be so busy reporting and complying that I never have a chance to figure out how I can add value. Then, if I do think that I have it figured out, how do I know it is the correct thing? Maybe tomorrow will be different and I will happily buzz around complying.
So, I get up, I breathe, I eat, I work, I eat, I go to bed. And I don’t add value to anyone, anything, anytime, anywhere for any purpose. I am numb. No big W’s figured out this week.
‘What’ am I doing?!?
I am operational but what do I do to enrich the existence of others…part of ‘Why, maybe? Well, I thought maybe providing food, shelter and clothing for over 20 years was worth something. I thought that answering all questions to the best of my knowledge and providing protection from the darker side of this life was work something. I thought that sharing my life with them was worth something…and now I see that what I have to offer is not what they consider to be loving. It was considered my duty and responsibility and the resulting numbness isn’t really contributing to anyone else’s ‘joie de vivre’.
Offspring: “You don’t know me!” Why do I now feel like such a failure, as a mother? He will soon be 27 and I expect I know him better than anyone else. (Crap! Another ‘Why’)
Offspring: “You never support me!” I disagree…oh, wait…now I get it.
Can somebody tell me ‘When?’
Is it bed time yet?
Is it fair that I scream at my family because I cant take “one more thing”. Is it odd that I can’t get anything done, other than work? Is it hypocritical that others find me inspirational because I am really good at pretending?
When will I know I am doing the right thing? When will I be able to accept things I cannot change instead of ending up in a battle with my son over religion and medication. Ok, I have added more ‘Whens’ to the list, so I will stop now.
‘Where’ the heck am I?
Where will I be when the previous W’s are figured out? I expect I will be exhausted and taking my last breath at the end of a long and healthy life, during which I spent all of my time trying to figure out the W’s before I was supposed to know. This ‘W’ is an easy one because I can answer it with, “Where I am supposed to be When I am supposed to be there, doing ‘What’ I am supposed to be doing. Who I am supposed to be will be a moment by moment determination based on the situation I am in at the time. Sound hypocritical? Not at all. I will be a supportive mother when my son’s life spins out of control. I will be a positive force in other people’s lives; encouraging them to be more than they thought they could. I will try to live in the moment, remembering the comforting words of Aibileen Clark in The Help, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Is this the answer to ‘Who?’ I hope so!
The Ever Expanding ‘Why’
I will try to let go of any expectation that I will know the answer to this question during my lifetime. I am not meant to know. If I did know, I would likely find an argument as to ‘Why’ it should be different and I would search for ways to change it, to the exclusion of all other activity; resulting in changes to some of the other ‘Ws’ and most likely for the worse. I am not meant to have that kind of control, thank God!
So let’s paint on that face that everyone loves to see smiling and get through another day of being who and what I think I am supposed to be, when and where I am supposed to be it. Maybe, if I am lucky, I will get a little closer the the ever elusive and moving target of ‘Why’…but more likely I will eventually die trying.
Morning Ritual
In the beginning…
Husband gets up and gets ready for work at an ungodly hour. Hyper Poodle, who has remained quietly in her crate while her humans slept, is now “singing” and rattling to let Husband know that she wants to be released and tucked under the covers next to sleeping Human and Blind Poodle. Husband complies.
Fast forward hopefully an hour: both poodles decide that it is “uppy time” and hop out of bed. This works better than any alarm, as one of these poodles will unapologetically relieve herself on the carpet, if someone isn’t pretty quick about getting her out for her morning pee. We won’t embarrass her by identifying her here.
The Zombie rises…
Human sits up, feet hit floor, and Human is standing in the demi light of 6 am before Brain is aware that there are body parts moving without any clear instructions. Brain struggles to catch up. At this point in time, Human has all of the traits of a zombie, including an appetite for brains, should anyone impede her on the way to the transformational elixir most humans refer to as Coffee. Zombie is now moving in a stooped position towards Blind Poodle, who is timid and likely terrified of this creature approaching with arms dangling, making horrible, high pitched (soothing?) noises, attempting to corner her to pick her up. Blind Poodle is cornered and resigns herself to her fate; surprised every morning that she has not met with some horrible end. Zombie has now scooped up Blind Poodle and is carrying with one arm, while Hyper, Spinning, Singing Poodle (Hyper Poodle) does everything in her complete unrestraint to trip Zombie carrying Blind Poodle. Blind Poodle seems to be aware that her perch is precarious.
This rag tag circus act has now defied all of Murphy’s Laws and reached the top of the stairs, which seem much steeper than usual. Eyes are not yet communicating depth perception back to Brain and Zombie throws all caution to the wind (against Brain’s advice) and takes the first step down. Ok. Hyper Poodle is coming back up, having lost patience at the bottom, and is making sure that Zombie is still on its way. Zombie has not yet tripped over Hyper Poodle (now completing third round trip) and Blind Poodle has legs rigid and toes splayed, as if preparing for some sort of undignified landing that only a cat could stick. The trio continues down the steps, one at a time, as Zombie starts to take on more human traits and is actually becoming aware that the legs and feet are not quite stable yet. Blind Poodle is very aware and not particularly confident of her chances of survival.
The bottom of the stairway has been reached and Blind Poodle is lowered gently to the floor, where she skitters to get her feet under her and then joins Hyper Poodle, who is spinning at the door and ringing the bells (don’t teach your dog to ring bells to go out).
The transformation…
Both poodles are out and Zombie now stumbles to the coffee machine…open, insert pod, close, push start. Eyes pop open as coffee maker starts to burble and heat. Brain realizes a step was missed…cup! Zombie has now completely transformed into the human form it assumes for the day (Person) and frantically grabs a cup and shoves it into place to receive the life juice that will snap Brain to attention. Person takes a few sips and relishes the first effects of this magic elixir. Brain is now remembering the cute skunk that was eating cat food the night before, on the back step.
Person, with Brain fully in control, frantically races to front door and is relieved to find that both poodles are on the step and don’t smell any worse than they did upon exiting. Phew! not Pew!
The reckoning…
Now Person must engage in an epic debate with Brain, as Person grabs bowl and heads out to freezer to retrieve exactly three cubes of frozen premium dog food. Person argues point that this is very healthy for Poodles, while wondering if this is what some people would feed to seniors as an option to cat food. Person heads for the microwave. Brain decides to argue the side that Poodles should probably not be eating better than seniors and Person should not have to prepare, weigh and serve food for Poodles. A few more sips of coffee and then the microwave dings. Brain sighs in defeat as Person stirs dog food (so this is what ‘a dog’s breakfast’ looks like) and weighs out the exact amount that Blind Poodle and Hyper Poodle should be eating. Poodles eat heartily, content in the knowledge that Person is, indeed, put on this earth to serve them. Person sighs in defeat.
Let the day begin…
A quiet mind…
As we all know, meditation and/or mindfulness is great for clearing your mind, relaxing your body and reducing stress. And, as we all know, making time for these activities (non-activities?) can also cause stress BUT this is under our own control and we make the decision to either take the time to relax (adult colouring books?!?, meditate, journal, etc.) or to not.
Now imagine that you have more thoughts going through your head than you could possible write down, none of them are on the same topic, and all of them are so world changing that they must be followed up on! So you write down as many as you can and you continue to write to the exclusion of eating and sleeping because your “work” is important and must be preserved for another day, when you will have time to properly work through the thought and grow it into the theory that it deserves to be.
The end result consists of a scribbler filled with writing that is disconnected and jumbled and crammed to fit on each page and a person who looks a bit wild-eyed and disheveled…but in all of this, one idea has taken root. One tiny seed of a thought has been focused on and is now being fed and grown into something it was never meant to be, with no plan in place or even a possibility of achievement. The delusions of grandeur have been given the space and time they have been begging for!
And now the thoughts manifest as voices (rationalized as the voice of God) and the voices give instructions, which must be followed in order to prove your faith (fast and pray). Now you are undernourished, tired and the voices have been given more time and space to grow louder. You hear them outside your head. You are called to “dance on the river.” Well, there is a river close by and so you announce you are headed for it to “walk on the water with Jesus.” It is hard to argue that walking on water is not possible when it is written in the Bible and as Christians, we believe that Jesus walked on water and told Peter to follow him (which he did without anyone trying to stop him). The voices rationalize very well, as this illness usually affects highly intelligent people. Everything is literal. There is no room for interpretation. Stop him or let him get wet?
And now the end of the cycle…he has been stopped…against his will. His freedom is taken. His perfect job is lost. He is dry…and hurt. Everyone has deserted him and the people he thought supported and believed in him let him down (kept him from getting wet).
Enter stage left, a person who cares for this individual and wants nothing other than to help. So they listen (against their will sometimes) and ask questions (providing evidence that they are not supportive) and make an attempt at reasoning through the idea. This last step should not be attempted by the feint of heart because now the paranoia has set in and you (nonbeliever) must be converted and accept this new idea or rationalization (again, against your will). This will tend to end in a heated argument (he will insist it is an intelligent debate) and your only escape is to leave the place or hang up the phone. Now ‘everyone’ is against him and so he retreats to be with his thoughts and feed them and grow them some more. Other people have become too ignorant to understand his high level of thinking, and so they are dismissed…unless they are willing to listen and appear to agree.
As a mother, it is hard to watch your child go through these steps. It his hard to listen to your child blame you for every reason that he cannot achieve his ultimate goals. It is hard to be labelled as not supportive (“I cannot speak to your faith.”), when you are the only person in the world he has to turn to when things spin out of control and fly apart. You are the only person who can help put the pieces back where they belong. You are the only person that can help him start over after everything is lost. You do everything you can to keep him in a safe place until he is well. You love him.
A favourite song from Blue October…Quiet Mind…chorus, “You give me a quiet mind and I love you.”
This is all I want for my son. This is all I try to help him achieve. This is the best thing that anyone can do for the people that they love. I pray for everyone I love to be blessed with a quiet mind.
Posted in mental health
Tagged delusional thinking, mental health, paranoia, schizophrenia
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Depression from the inside out
Journaling is one of the tools that your local psychologist will provide you with to help you cope…well, this is my first post and the struggle to get to this point has almost been too much and has stretched over two days. I lie here on the couch with my coffee, kindle, computer, iPad and a brand new adult colouring book with 24 sharpened pencils (yes, this is me trying everything!). My meditation for one evening was sharpening the pencils…I have yet to colour anything, although I do believe I have early onset carpal tunnel syndrome from the sharpening. I am fully prepared for any whim I may have and will most likely end up turning on the TV and doing a jigsaw puzzle on the iPad, while my poodles keep my legs warm. This is all because what I am really SUPPOSED to be doing is accounting work for my clients, my husband and me; and what I really WANT to do is start a quilt. So I do nothing.
It is a beautiful day today…one of the last ones we will have this summer, and I will likely stay inside. My running shoes are ready to run. My GPS watch is ready to track. My sports bra is ready to be supportive. My family is having a gathering at a beautiful spot out in Beaufort, NB with a little waterfall that has created a great swimming hole. I won’t be there either, in spite of the three calls from my husband encouraging me to go. He won’t likely call again, since I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t go and ended up not being able to finish a thought to put into words to form a sentence.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Just go.”
“I can’t”
“Why not?”
“Uh….”
I have everything I need to try this chalk paint fad, including hours of iPad time, researching techniques on YouTube and a couple of pieces of furniture that I found searching classified ads (also using iPad in reclined position). I won’t be painting today either, although at some point, I may look at pictures of the beautiful things that others have done.
I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not feel that I was right on the edge of a Thelma and Louise moment. I have always felt despair and “Why me?” whenever I was faced with adversity but I made it through. The question is, am I stronger for it or more damaged for it? To toss the baggage and be happy-go-lucky is a dream that only electric shock therapy can make reality. I asked…not an option.
I have always felt left out of the “best friend” world of going and doing but the last thing I want to do is go and do. I have discovered over time, who my close friends are and I recognize that you need a combination of all types of friends in order to truly appreciate what friendship is. Like studying for my masters degree, we had to do group work, which encouraged several viewpoints and opinions to broaden our learning, I believe that you need the same diversity in your life to help shape your reality. Now don’t get me wrong; I am not referring to opinions and gossip here; I am referring to different approaches to problem solving and different life experiences that can give you insight into your own life.
If you limit your exposure to life, you limit your experience and, ergo, your growth.
Allowing other people into your life will also help you gain an appreciation for the fact that you are not alone in your troubles. There is comfort in that. I think the phrase, “Misery loves company” does not refer to the fact that miserable people love to gather in groups and grump. I think it does refer to the fact that knowing that we are not alone on our journey and that we have not been singled out for an especially difficult path, helps to provide a sense of belonging and maybe a sense of community. I am surprised everyday, to discover who is also a member of this community. It is also heartening to see that, they too, force themselves out the door each day to face whatever the world has in store for them and return home, exhausted but feeling that they have accomplished something.
So I shall go and wrestle myself into my sports bra (pre work out warm up), put on some running appropriate garments, strap on the GPS watch and lace up my running shoes. It is really difficult to be a couch potato with all of that stuff on and since I have already been forced into an upright position at the kitchen table to charge my computer, I am half way there!
Here I go…
Posted in daily life, mental health
Tagged coping with daily life, depression, destressing, hanging in there, mental health
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Barely hanging in there... 