As we all know, meditation and/or mindfulness is great for clearing your mind, relaxing your body and reducing stress.  And, as we all know, making time for these activities (non-activities?) can also cause stress BUT this is under our own control and we make the decision to either take the time to relax (adult colouring books?!?, meditate, journal, etc.) or to not.

Now imagine that you have more thoughts going through your head than you could possible write down, none of them are on the same topic, and all of them are so world changing that they must be followed up on!  So you write down as many as you can and you continue to write to the exclusion of eating and sleeping because your “work” is important and must be preserved for another day, when you will have time to properly work through the thought and grow it into the theory that it deserves to be.

The end result consists of a scribbler filled with writing that is disconnected and jumbled and crammed to fit on each page and a person who looks a bit wild-eyed and disheveled…but in all of this, one idea has taken root.  One tiny seed of a thought has been focused on and is now being fed and grown into something it was never meant to be, with no plan in place or even a possibility of achievement.  The delusions of grandeur have been given the space and time they have been begging for!

And now the thoughts manifest as voices (rationalized as the voice of God) and the voices give instructions, which must be followed in order to prove your faith (fast and pray).  Now you are undernourished, tired and the voices have been given more time and space to grow louder.  You hear them outside your head.  You are called to “dance on the river.”  Well, there is a river close by and so you announce you are headed for it to “walk on the water with Jesus.”  It is hard to argue that walking on water is not possible when it is written in the Bible and as Christians, we believe that Jesus walked on water and told Peter to follow him (which he did without anyone trying to stop him).  The voices rationalize very well, as this illness usually affects highly intelligent people.  Everything is literal.  There is no room for interpretation.  Stop him or let him get wet?

And now the end of the cycle…he has been stopped…against his will.  His freedom is taken.  His perfect job is lost.  He is dry…and hurt.  Everyone has deserted him and the people he thought supported and believed in him let him down (kept him from getting wet).

Enter stage left, a person who cares for this individual and wants nothing other than to help.  So they listen (against their will sometimes) and ask questions (providing evidence that they are not supportive) and make an attempt at reasoning through the idea.  This last step should not be attempted by the feint of heart because now the paranoia has set in and you (nonbeliever) must be converted and accept this new idea or rationalization (again, against your will).  This will tend to end in a heated argument (he will insist it is an intelligent debate) and your only escape is to leave the place or hang up the phone.  Now ‘everyone’ is against him and so he retreats to be with his thoughts and feed them and grow them some more.  Other people have become too ignorant to understand his high level of thinking, and so they are dismissed…unless they are willing to listen and appear to agree.

As a mother, it is hard to watch your child go through these steps.  It his hard to listen to your child blame you for every reason that he cannot achieve his ultimate goals.  It is hard to be labelled as not supportive (“I cannot speak to your faith.”), when you are the only person in the world he has to turn to when things spin out of control and fly apart.  You are the only person who can help put the pieces back where they belong. You are the only person that can help him start over after everything is lost.  You do everything you can to keep him in a safe place until he is well.  You love him.

A favourite song from Blue October…Quiet Mind…chorus, “You give me a quiet mind and I love you.”

This is all I want for my son.  This is all I try to help him achieve.  This is the best thing that anyone can do for the people that they love.  I pray for everyone I love to be blessed with a quiet mind.