Journaling is one of the tools that your local psychologist will provide you with to help you cope…well, this is my first post and the struggle to get to this point has almost been too much and has stretched over two days.  I lie here on the couch with my coffee, kindle, computer, iPad and a brand new adult colouring book with 24 sharpened pencils (yes, this is me trying everything!).  My meditation for one evening was sharpening the pencils…I have yet to colour anything, although I do believe I have early onset carpal tunnel syndrome from the sharpening.  I am fully prepared for any whim I may have and will most likely end up turning on the TV and doing a jigsaw puzzle on the iPad, while my poodles keep my legs warm.  This is all because what I am really SUPPOSED to be doing is accounting work for my clients, my husband and me; and what I really WANT to do is start a quilt.  So I do nothing.

It is a beautiful day today…one of the last ones we will have this summer, and I will likely stay inside.  My running shoes are ready to run.  My GPS watch is ready to track.  My sports bra is ready to be supportive.  My family is having a gathering at a beautiful spot out in Beaufort, NB with a little waterfall that has created a great swimming hole.  I won’t be there either, in spite of the three calls from my husband encouraging me to go.  He won’t likely call again, since I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t go and ended up not being able to finish a thought to put into words to form a sentence.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just go.”

“I can’t”

“Why not?”

“Uh….”

I have everything I need to try this chalk paint fad, including hours of iPad time, researching techniques on YouTube and a couple of pieces of furniture that I found searching classified ads (also using iPad in reclined position).  I won’t be painting today either, although at some point, I may look at pictures of the beautiful things that others have done.

I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not feel that I was right on the edge of a Thelma and Louise moment.  I have always felt despair and “Why me?” whenever I was faced with adversity but I made it through.  The question is, am I stronger for it or more damaged for it?  To toss the baggage and be happy-go-lucky is a dream that only electric shock therapy can make reality.  I asked…not an option.

I have always felt left out of the “best friend” world of going and doing but the last thing I want to do is go and do.  I have discovered over time, who my close friends are and I recognize that you need a combination of all types of friends in order to truly appreciate what friendship is.  Like studying for my masters degree, we had to do group work, which encouraged several viewpoints and opinions to broaden our learning, I believe that you need the same diversity in your life to help shape your reality.  Now don’t get me wrong; I am not referring to opinions and gossip here; I am referring to different approaches to problem solving and different life experiences that can give you insight into your own life.

If you limit your exposure to life, you limit your experience and, ergo, your growth.

Allowing other people into your life will also help you gain an appreciation for the fact that you are not alone in your troubles.  There is comfort in that.  I think the phrase, “Misery loves company” does not refer to the fact that miserable people love to gather in groups and grump.  I think it does refer to the fact that knowing that we are not alone on our journey and that we have not been singled out for an especially difficult path, helps to provide a sense of belonging and maybe a sense of community.  I am surprised everyday, to discover who is also a member of this community.  It is also heartening to see that, they too, force themselves out the door each day to face whatever the world has in store for them and return home, exhausted but feeling that they have accomplished something.

So I shall go and wrestle myself into my sports bra (pre work out warm up), put on some running appropriate garments, strap on the GPS watch and lace up my running shoes.  It is really difficult to be a couch potato with all of that stuff on and since I have already been forced into an upright position at the kitchen table to charge my computer, I am half way there!

Here I go…